Happiness

Happiness.

We are all striving to be happy.

I think that many people are confused about what that is exactly. I know so many people who have unfulfilling jobs they go to all day long. They are not making any kind of contribution, they don't feel significant, they are just getting through for the pay check at the end of the week. Then, they come home each night to watch their 'shows'. Hours and hours and hours are spent watching television. Shows based in murder, cheating, cruelty, human suffering or mindless behavior . Then of course there are the commercials convincing them that they are not enough and they don't have enough. They only see their children for 3 hrs each night. That time is all about an instant dinner, home work, bath, bed. Then back to the job. All this is in the name of surviving till the weekend. Finally, its the weekend. You can have a weekend at home... mow, clean, grocery shop..TV? Then they they are happy....its time to go to the casino, or the bar - Lets go to the mall and mill around until we find the very thing we didn't know we couldn't live without.

I think they are confusing happiness with adrenalin. A quick rush of adrenalin and they think they are happy. They aren't because by Monday they are back to the grind and they are as miserable as always.

That's because happiness is not located outside of yourself. "True happiness is to be found within, in the state of our hearts. It does not exist on the far side of some distant mountains. It is within you, yourself. However much you try, you can never run away from yourself. And if you are weak, suffering will follow you wherever you go. You will never find happiness if you don't challenge your weaknesses and change yourself from within."

(quote from: http://www.ikedaquotes.org/what-is-happiness)

Happiness is is found within. It is said that 'ignorance is bliss'. It often seems this is true but really its not. You have to open your mind, over come your 'issues', find your purpose, embrace your reality then you'll find happiness.

Depression

Ok- I have been meaning to write about depression for ages.

I spent at least 11 straight years very depressed. Yes- I managed to go to college, have children, get married and divorced...have a life....but I was really depressed. There were years I spent drinking ( thankfully, I was always too poor to become an alcoholic because I could have for sure). I spent years cutting off my hair, compulsive eating (gaining 100++lbs), destroying my house in a rage, screaming, having anxiety attaches. I spent years in bed. I spent years on Prozac.

Fun topic.... :p ....not

Here's the thing...I am not that way any more. Nope. I have my ups and downs like everyone else but I haven't been depressed for years.

How come?

Well- and this may annoy some people- I got over it!

My most recent bowt of depression went on for two years following the death of my friend, Blake. One morning I decided to get up and tackle the day. That day turned into two and so on. I found that if I started my morning with a plan of action for that day I could get through it rather cheerfully. Projects became my "monkey bar" plan. For a long time I was 'addicted' to projects. I got a hell of a lot done. :) People just thought I was really, really productive. Actually, I was really scared to be without a distraction. Eventually, I started to eat healthy, walk and get outside on a regular basis. It all sounds simple and easy but it was a long process with many set backs.

Today, I don't "DO" depression anymore.

I found that it really is a choice to delve into depression and make it a part of yourself.

Depressed people speak in depressed language. "MY depression", "I HAVE to have my pills", "I cant", "I'll never", "I have an imbalance".

Well apparently 3 out of 4 people are imbalanced these days. That has to make ya think. There has to be more to it. A culture of sitting, TV, cruddy- processed- garbage food. A culture that encourages misery, lethargy and apathy.

When it comes down to it- we all have a choice to take life's inevitable pain and turn it into- and embrace- an option of suffering.

Two Paths

I recently heard it said that in life we are always on one of two paths....

EITHER- the path of LOVE or the path of FEAR.

Then there are only two fears...."I am not enough" and/or "I am not lovable".

This is interesting.

If you look at your own behaviors/ actions and the actions of others its VERY easy to see that most of the time we are just acting out of fear.

If we can learn to dance with the fear and live on that path of LOVE then we will stop suffering and struggling.

Projection

I was recently talking to some moms about projection and/or intergenerational transmission.

In other words....the baggage we carry thanks to our dear mothers....the baggage our children carry thanks to us!

The age of eight was a big one for me. When my daughters were eight I began to struggle with a desire to pull away. When this happened with my first daughter I was loud and angry about it. With the 2nd daughter, I was starting to see it as a pattern and was calmer but still felt very compelled to create distance. When it happened the 3 rd time I clearly saw it as a pattern and went out of my way to avoid doing it. This pattern made me reflect and ask myself....

What happened when I was eight???
I remember the summer I was eight. Up until that summer I was a free and happy child. I ran around at home with my step brother (age 7) shirtless. I was happy. Then several things happened. First, my mother informed me that I was not to go shirtless anymore. That made me sad. It made me feel like there was something shameful about me and I had to cover up. (now I understand that maybe I was beginning to develop but that was not explained to me) I just felt like I did something wrong. Then my mother stopped hugging me all together. I am not sure why that is. And finally, one evening in the tub, my mother was bathing me and she pointed out my chubby roles on my belt and told me she'd pay me $1 for every one I lost. That just flat out messed me up! That was the moment that made this blog possible. Really. Shortly after that I was punching myself in the face, in the mirror, screaming "I hate you"- "I wish you would die". Not cool. So reflecting on this...and knowing that my mother was doing the best she could with what she had I have to say.....

What happened to my mother when she was eight???

Well I don't really know exactly what happened to her. I have heard stories. There are stories from about that age where my mother and her brother were hiding the belt so they wouldn't be beaten with it. I know there were times when my grandmother proclaimed that she wished my mother had never been born. I know my grandmother made statements like "you kids ruined my life". I know that it was at that time that my mother felt very second best to her younger brother. I don't know if she felt close to her mother and then pushed away. I am just not sure but I do have a vague impression that that was tough time for my mother.

So- of course that leads me to ask what happened to my grandmother when she was eight???

Well, I know of one story only and that story changes depending on the telling. But, when my grandmother was eight....her mother killed herself. That was the ultimate grand rejection by a mother. This left my grandmother, an only child alone with her father, who died not long after.

I have NO idea what was happening for my great-grandmother at that time. What lead her to kill herself. Did she loose a baby?, was she in a dangerous marriage?, was she simply very depressed? I have no idea. Regardless, that particular act really impacted a lot of people.

On a pleasant note....because I have made an effort to encourage my daughters to work through this garbage I have real faith that they will do better than I have. I am happy for my potential grand-children. They are gonna have great moms ;)

Empty Nest Shame Game

So - I have been thinking a lot about the life phase of empty nest.

From what I have figured out this phase of life is normal and we all go through it eventually assuming we've had kids. But, at least from where I sit, people don't talk a lot about it.

Why is that? Well, it seems its just like most women's issues....

its judgable, blamable, shamable.

Isn't this just how it goes. Here's my take on that....

Women have been the brunt of male oppression since the beginning of time. I suppose that is because men were the strong and women the weak. Back then brute force was the greatest commodity. Regardless, the oppression of women has gone on in every culture since the beginning of human history. So- here in America...though of course there is still plenty of oppression to go around....for the most part women have a good shot at a peaceful life with equal rights. So now that (hopefully most) of us are not being brutally oppressed what do we do?....we women do it to ourselves and each other.

The stage of 'empty nest' is just another venue to judge and blame each other. We don't talk about this for a good reason...its a no win situation.

Its another way to point a finger at 'others'.

If you are pleased that your kids are grown and out of the house- if you are enjoying your freedom then you are a heartless, cold women who never really wanted kids to start with. "How awful you are". But- if you miss your kids- you are sad and wish for the buzz of family and the commitment of children then you never had a life of your own- you were living through your children- you were dependant on your man etc."What a looser you are".

You just cannot win.

This is not one bit different than all other women's issues. Women judge each other over EVERYTHING right from the start of parenthood. Cloth vs disposable diapers, breast feeding vs bottle, working mothers vs stay at home moms, public school vs home school.

These are just a few of the topics to torture each other over.

This doesn't make sense at all. We need to support each other. We need to hear each other. Allow each other to express our hurts, worries, pains and joys...with no shame.

Spring is Sprinin!

Cannot say its actually sprung yet but Spring is Sprinin!

This makes me soooo happy. I need to shake the winter cob webs out of my head and get my hands in the dirt. Thank you for the sunshine, Thank you for the tulips pushing up, Thank you for the birds who remind me that no matter whats going on in my little world life is an endless circle...it still moves along and never misses a beat.

All this reminds me to ask...

What can I give, Who can I serve, How can I add to the beauty in this world.

Happy sigh :)

Abundance- Ding!

Abundance unto you! lol

A little story about Abundance..... Well a few weeks back I came across a chime I wanted to hang in my living room. I found a place for it but that displaced another little bell. That bell looks much like the one shown here. So...because I had no place to stick the smaller bell I put a tack right in the door casing in the living room and hung the bell on it. Its right above your head when you walk through the main two rooms of the house.

Then, one day shortly after, that I was feeling frustrated with our financial situation and looked up and saw the bell. I gave it a brisk *swack* and said "Prosperity Already!". But- right then I had a realisation.....its not prosperity that I actually want....its ABUNDANCE!

Abundance of love, Abundance of connection, Abundance of community, Abundance of good health, Abundance of inspiration, Abundance of particular material items!!!!!!!!!!

So right then, I hit that bell and said "Abundance!" The bell was promptly named our "Abundance Bell"

Now every member of the family hits the bell as they pass under it and say "Abundance". We all say Abundance every day. We wish people Abundance and we live in gratitude.

So- is it working? Y-E-S!!!!! Oh God YES! We are rolling in Abundance! We have always been broke (raising 7 kids on a therapists income) and we've always maintained an attitude of Lack. "If only, we wish, we'll never, boo hoo" Now we have a family wide WE CAN AND WE WILL attitude! We are reaping all kinds of material benefits too......the universe has given us 3 amazing new cameras, a new mini van, a fancy new bike for Jody, free braces for Vayda just to name a few. These blessings are coming so regularly now that I am forgetting some of them.

Its been truly amazing.

Because I want everyone I know to enjoy an abundant life as well I have been making little beaded bells (not a thing like the one above) and giving them away to friends and even strangers I meet. If you want one please just let me know. Email me at fineartbycarrie@hotmail.com and we'll work it out.

Wishing you Abundance!

My nest is empty

I have been a parent since I was 21 yrs old. That's just shy of 18 yrs now. For the last 13 I have been mother/ step mother to 7 children. Things have shifted a lot over the last years and now its like this.....

A few years ago I had 7 children. It was all very loud and overwhelming most of the time but I did love the energy of the home. Then for years we had just 5. Just several months ago I still had 'just' 4 kids. Then in December my (bio) oldest left home to do service in California. She was 17 and now as I look at it, though I am so very proud of her, I was not ready to let her go. Then a month or so later my 19 yr old step son moved out. Hes been in my world since he was 6. Now my 16 yr old attends a school 40 min out of town so she is only home late in the evening and because shes a teen she spends every possible moment with her girl friends. And finally, just a month after that my baby hit puberty all at once.

All of these big changes took place over the last 3 months and all of the sudden I started falling apart. I have been soooo sad. Deeply sad.

Not depression sad but mourning sad :(

I feel lonely, bored, aimless. Its all rather awful feeling. I just spend a lot of time feeling the misery and crying. I have what is called "empty nest syndrome" I suppose. I feel all messed up. I feel like society says I should be happy to be 'done' with this phase of my life. Now I can head back to that career that's been waiting or travel or something. But, I don't see it that way at all. I didn't put my life on hold to raise my kids. Raising my kids, creating a home was/is my life.

I look back and try to figure out if my own mother went through this and I think I do remember it. I was about 13 and my step bro 12. We went to my grandmothers house and my mother tried to talk to her about it. My grandmother brushed her off and said "you just have empty nest- you'll get over it". I remember feeling hurt for her there in the kitchen. My grandmother had no mother and limited support so I suppose that was the best she could do....but it stunk.

So- I feel embarrassed because I feel like I am SUPPOSED to be excited to be done or happy to 'have my life back'. I think that many women look at other women and judge them for not wanting more than their children and husbands, homes and hobbies. I know I have received that judgement.

I am not sure were I am headed now. Just having Faith that it will all become apparent soon.

Consumed

So.... its been months since I have posted here. Where have I been? Well, if you follow my family blog.. http://roosterintheroaster.blogspot.com/ you know I spent the spring and summer trying to sell our house. Then we leased it instead and moved to Ithaca, NY. We then managed to move our family of five 3 times in 4 months landing right back in our original house (after the renters trashed it and vanished)! It was an adventure. Everyone said, "You poor things. That's sooo terrible." My husband and I didn't choose to make it terrible. It was indeed challenging but it was NOT terrible. Over all though I have been consumed by life.

Now I am back to post and I have lots to say. Thanks for checkin in :)

Before and After shots

Well here is the real 'skinny'....

Check this out. I wasn't lying when I said things have changed.

Lookin good :)

Smaller Jeans

Smaller Jeans!

I have been wearing the larger jeans since March but as of yesterday I fit very nicely in the smaller pair. They are one size smaller. Yippee! Guess its all the bikin and walking I am doing lately.

Heres aimin for smaller yet. :)

Shrinkage

Finally~ Visable shrinkage!

My head looks aweful in this shot but, hey, what do you want? I just got out of the shower, lotioned my face and decided I looked a little thinner so I tried on this pair of jeans that have been waiting in a drawer. They are one size smaller than my regular jeans.
Heres the side view.And the butt. This is the first time the butt has been within reason to show.

Now heres the other deal. I cannot see with my eyes what I actually look like. My head is so messed up from 38 yrs of being fat that all I see is fat. Ugh. Maybe in time my head will catch up and catch on. Its a process- not an event.

Biking to Watkins Glen

The big plan of biking to RI is coming up in 5 weeks!

I have been working out every day to prepare for this. Jody suggested that we do a test run to Watkins Glen and camp for the weekend. Thats a 32 mile bike ride.It took all day but went well. I did pretty well for my first BIG ride. With my newly rebuilt bike I was able to take a lot of the hills. I prefer downhill however- dur. I found that after 10 miles I needed lots of short breaks but I recovered very quickly. The next day I was not sore and the day after that we hiked a gorge. Lots more ahead!

Alternating Walking and Biking

After the NYC trip and the gorge hike I got into a groove. I spent the entire week working out- alternating biking and hiking. Each hike was easier. Each bike was more fun. One day we put in 18 miles! Thanks to Vayda- my little work out buddy- it was fun stuff.

Walking the Gorge

The day after the big trip to NYC I went to Tauganic Falls with my husband, daughters and neighbor and walked the gorge. We tried a trail that was new to us. There were a lot of step and it was all uphill on one side. I found the steps to be a killer. It was beautiful and we had fun with the kids.

Bikin in NYC

Last weekend my husband and I went biking along the Hudson River in New York City.

We biked along the river down to the George Washington Bridge. 13 miles in all. We saw wonderful sites and ate great food. Most of the biking was pretty flat. I found that my legs were weak but my heart was fine. It was a good first long bike ride for the season.

For the entire story see... http://roosterintheroaster.blogspot.com

Good for the heart

Hangin with my girlies- Good for the heart!

Rockin the Kareoke- yo!

Who knew? Kareoke is FUN and a great work out. Now- I have to admit I suck bad but this is now my next goal. I want to get to a bar or club and do this on stage in front of people (preferably drunk people ;). How empowering will that be??? Cool beans!

Hey- if I can walk on fire I can do anything.

Just cause I can doesnt mean I should but I'm gonna.

A work out for the mind and spirit

I recently joined my friend, Heather, in Rhode Island and we went to see the Dalai Lama in person. Hangin with the Dalai Lama man. It was great. There were 17,000 people there.

Hes cute, funny and deep ;)

This was a work out for the mind and spirit :) Well worth the drive.

Mountain walkin in Virginia

My girls and I went to visit my mother in law in Virginia.

While there we spent an afternoon hiking up the side of a mountain. This was a good work out. Youch. Up-Up-Up.

Walkin at Myrtal Beach

Here I am with my dd walking on the beach in South Carolina.

I have never been much of a beach person however this day I just felt compelled to walk, walk, walk along the beach. I now see why people do that. Its nice!

Walkin at Sampson

This day in March I went out walking at Sampson State Park with Jody, Maya Rae and Saige.

They all had a great time. Though I was happy to get some outside exercise time in I felt like crap. Ugh. I had just started a heavy metal cleanse and yuck, yuck, yuck!
I was so nauseous and miserable.
In the end I felt much better and I am assuming I am pretty darn metal free.

Walkin at the Lake

Walkin at Willard on Seneca Lake.

Its good to be workin out outside!

Walkin

I'm walkin...yes indeed, I'm walkin...just you and me...I'm walkin.....la la la...

Spring has seemingly sprung and I am OH SO FREAKIN SICK OF BEING IN THE HOUSE so

enough workin out inside....

I am walkin! Of course I am draggin my girls and my husband along where I can. My endurance is better than ever before. My favorite is to run up grades and hills. I just LOVE being in or near the woods. The birds, the breeze, the sun....ahhhh ;)

Post Tony Robbins Shrinkage

Woo-Hoo!

Down another inch around the waist! :)

Thats 7 inches since November.

Oh- I did get down another pant size before going to Tony Robbins by the way. I was way cool to got out shopping for new clothes before the event. Found some great new jeans and several tops on clearance. Now I am aiming to shrink out of these jeans asap. I bought the jeans on a Thursday and by the next Wed they were already looser. Cool beans!!!

Holy Moly- Tony Robbins!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

OMG! Its Tony Robbins! Well I did it! I went to Tony Robbins! Wow!!! Here's the story...

Back in August my BFF went to Tony Robbins in Toronto. The event transformed her life and she set out to get me to do it too. In November she came to visit me for a weekend and we watched 3 DVDs of Tony Robbins at work. Wo! I was sold. I said- no matter what it took I was going to New Jersey for the UPW (unleash the power within) event. The biggest obstacle for me was $. The ticket is $734! Crazy! Well I went to selling off my rubber stamp stock. I held a big blow out sale and made $1200 :) Then, lucky me, I was offered a discount ticket for $500. Just making the commitment to go made so many doors open. The $ just came. And- my head just opened. I started all that meditation (below) and I was (am) loosing weight like crazy. I couldn't even imagine what I was going experience at this event.

The best I can describe the event is 53 hrs of intensive therapy mixed with a 4 day rock concert! The days were looooong and crazy! We only had about 3 hrs of sleep each night. No time to eat. Few real breaks. You spend these days massaging strangers, jumping, dancing, screaming, crying, sobbing and walking across fire!About the fire walk.... I did it! The coals range in temp from 1200-2000 degrees. There were 22 beds of coals measuring 2' wide by 12' long.The fire walk was held in the parking garage of the convention center. It was pitch black with tribal drums booming and 300 people chanting ...yes, yes, yes....

I was the first one of 2900 people down there. Though the pitch black garage did through me, I was FINE with the whole thing till I saw the coals. I got scared but talked myself down. About 7 people were ahead of me in line. I managed to take hold of the fear while I waited my turn but then when I stepped up for my turn my entire body was clenched with fear. I turned to the person next to me and said 'I cannot do this'....no response....cannot see ANYONE.....FEAR....then when I realised that I couldn't engage anyone in my fear it was driven right back down inside me again. Then I thought...' I cannot go home and say I didn't do it'....I took the first step. I felt my right foot touch the hot coals then I saw, heard, felt...NOTHING!...untill I felt the ice water being sprayed on my feet on the other side.Here you can see the 'hot spots' on my foot after the walk. They were fine by morning.

The fire walk was on day 1.

The second day started at 8 am and ran till 11pm. It was a lot of emotional work that prepared us for the big day...day 3. On this day we did the real work. We had to explore our passions, make decisions we haven't made yet and

look at our beliefs.....beliefs like.....'Life is...', 'I am...', 'People are...'

So I was honest....I said I believed 'I am a burden. I am unacceptable.'

You may recall from a post below I had over come enormous amounts of 'man issues' before going to this event. Well....when I got there and stood with 1500 strange men and had to massage these men and be hugged and touched by these men....I found I wasn't quite done with my issues. At one point I was so uncomfortable I had to leave. I have to say that I am sooooooo glad I did all that head work before going because I am certain that had I not over come all that I did I would have never endured this event. So- I also made a point to write down 'I believe deep down that all men are predators and perverts'. (a part of me no longer believed that but to be honest with myself...a part still did) So we wrote our beliefs down and then wrote down all the ways our current life is effected by these cruddy beliefs.

This book work was enough work but then we had to turn to a partner and tell them all that we wrote down. Well...I had been seated mostly alone. There was a row of woman in front of me and behind me and several blank chairs next to me. Then, along comes a 25 yr old-ish Peurto Rican man who sits down next to me. (just for those who don't know...I was once married to a 25 yr old Peurto Rican man who cheated relentlessly, made at least a few babies outside of the marriage... and definitely helped to mess me up) So...I had to turn to this man and tell him all my crappy beliefs about myself. Ugh.

I did it. I started to cry right off and I was embarrassed to tell him the one about men because I didn't want to insult this guy. I am sure men get real sick of women blaming them. So I did tell him...and I cried and cried to this stranger. He just stood there strong and still. He listened very respectfully. Then it was time to trade places and he had to tell me his stuff.....and he said....

"I am that guy". He goes on to tell me how he has spent his adult life pushing women around and pushing good women out of his life etc...............woooooooo! Freakin profound!!! for real.

Incredible.

This process of unraveling our beliefs and establishing new ones took several hours and was hugely moving. 2900 people stood in the dark waling and screaming. It sounded like what I'd imagine war to sound like. It was sooooo heavy but sooooooo effective. In the end I looked like hell but felt freakin fantastic!!!! I feel like I got my head on straight on that day. Its amazing.

I have to suggest this event (UPW with Tony Robbins) if you are interested in emotional growth at all. I have to say that these words here under explain the power of this event. Like child birth...you cant really get it till you do it! wow.

Oh- my husband and brother are attending the next event in Toronto! Yippee! I am so psyched for them!

Healing Abuse: may be disturbing to some

Well, I have gone back and forth about posting this but have decided that I know at least 6 woman in my circle who were sexually molested/ assaulted as young people. Studies say that 1 in 3 girls are molested before age 18. Its sadly common and I think the overall feeling left for the woman is shame so it is kept quite secret. I have decided to post my experiences for the world to see because...

I have healed myself. Yes. And- if I can do it, I know you can too!

First I should tell you what was broken. Well, I have always had 'man issues'. I have been disgusted with boys, teen boys and men my entire adult life (and before I suppose). Now, I have managed to marry two men. One was a terrible husband and the other is wonderful....

a keeper ;) I have helped raise 3 step sons. I don't think they are gross. I have an adorable nephew whom I love. Its more the concept of men and boys....not so much the individual. Certain groups of men- farmers actually- have always been safe for me (these men represent my safe men...my uncles and grandfather) but every other group of men I have seen as a threat. I've always felt sexually assessed/ visually molested.

The why is easy...Just a quick run down......

At 3 mo I was beaten purple by my father (certainly, I only know this as a story but it is undeniable that an attack of enraged male energy coming at you as an infant will have a lasting impression on the 'gut' feeling about men)

At 6 I was molested by an old guy who was the neighbor of my grandparents.

At 8 my friends father french kissed me and showed me porn.

From 8-12 yrs my step brother molested me while I slept.

At 18 my (loved and trusted) step father performed lurid acts in front of me and while watching me dress.

Then to top it off my 1st boyfriend turned out to be married and my 1st husband cheated just relentlessly, fathering at least one child outside of the marriage to boot.

Ok- so that's reason enough. Could be yet another reason why I am a compulsive eater! Geesh! Ya think ????

So- up till recently I thought I was way past all that stuff. I have always heard "some times you just have to get over things". I thought I had on this one. Not so much. I am not really clear what set it all off but about a month ago I was talking to my best friend about 'men'. Then just in the moment I realised that this stuff was actually still effecting my current life! There is a good book title..."Feelings buried alive, never die". I guess that's true. I had just been unconscious about it.

So- what did I do?

I talked to my best friend about what had happened and how it all REALLY made me feel both then and now. I yelled and swore. Her listening was an enormous gift. I have only met 3 people ever who could handle my rage and shes one of them. She listened and I ranted! That helped and then the next day I talked to my husband about it. Not so intense this time. I knew there were a few small words out there that would set my healing in motion so I begged him to give them to me........and he did! He pointed out that it was not MEN I hated....but unconscious male energy! That was the ticket. I don't hate men. I love men whom I can trust. I love my husband, brother, step sons, nephew, uncles. I have hated the unconscious acts/ behaviors these other men used me to act out. Yep. From there I started to meditate....and this is the real ticket I think.

How have I meditated?

Well I learned from a book actually. I lay on my bed and breathe. Full, deep breathes in and out 10 times. After that you kind of get a rhythm going and don't need to count any more. Then I say "Ya Baha'u'l-Abha" (which means... God is most glorious) several times. From there I have essentially said this in my mind....." I see God's light in all little boys" . This made me cry and cry. Then later when I was feeling better about boys I moved on....."I see God's light in all men and boys". THIS made me cry and cry. I did this for several days. Every other day though because it was sooooooo intense for me I was scared to do it and needed a break. Another day I moved on...."I forgive my step brother for his unconscious acts"....another day..." I forgive- etc etc" Periodically during meditation I'd say, "I will myself to be healed"

Then one day I was meditating and I felt no need to do anything about men any more.

I have since tested myself. My distrust is gone. I can be among strange men and feel nothing but kindness. I can since 'bad energy' from some men (just as I do with women) but this is pretty normal for me these days anyway. As for boys... when I think of teen boys I see them as sons. When I think of little boys or baby boys my heart just fills with love.

So- there ya go. I walked around unconcious for 38 yrs and then in just a few weeks of real work I healed myself ! So thats that story :) I think there is NO shame in having an ugly story. I think the shame comes from stuffing the story and allowing it to cause unhappiness in your world.- my 2 cents.

Rock your mind!

Ok- I am not even going to try to describe this video. My friend tried to describe it to me and I thought it sounded just horrible. Then I have tried to describe it to friends and its sounds even worse soooooo.....all I can say is do your world and favor and rent this (or buy it on Amazon). It will blast your mind right open. I watched it 3 times just to get my head around what to me was a BIG HUGE idea! Now I just love it. Here is what someone else wrote about it...


Living out day-to-day activities consciences of the quantum processes that fuel my existence has been exceedingly beneficial to increasing control over my universe. What the Bleep Do We Know came to me at a point in my life were I already knew much about the power of positive thinking and the flow of energy. However, to this day I continue to use the lessons that it provided as a base for my fluid system of beliefs. These lessons have been around for as long as the human mind has been open to invisible properties governing existence. The principles governing this system of thought are as innately built into our galaxy as the law of gravity. The Quantum Thought has thought me to live in the moment and master my evolutionary gifts.

Open your mind some more

This is an incredible, life altering book. I highly recommend it. The title speaks for itself. Get it on Amazon for about $7 (used) ... http://www.amazon.com Don't read? Get it on audio!

This is so worth your time.

I read another of Tolle's books....The Power of Now. That is a much heavier book but it led me to this one. Both are incredible world rockin books!

Feb 21, 2009

Here I am now! February 21, 2009.

I am down almost 3 pant sizes and here I am wearing a womans XL top! Holy Moly! Not too shabby! Mamma gonna be H-O-T!

Today I got back into a bathing suit I havent worn in 9 yrs. Now- my legs look yuck-y but at least the sucker fits right? This is progress. By summer I will actually be shopping for a decent suit.

Inch Update

I lost another inch around my belly button!

Yippee!

Thats a total of 6 inches now. Awesome!

I have now moved into my smallest jeans. I have had a couple of pair of jeans that never really fit. One was bigger than the other though and now I am into the smaller pair. I am going to Tony Robbins in 14 days. In the mean time I am doing lots of TaeBo and Rebounding hard. I am shooting to get into the next jean size down before I go.

Cannot Wait!!!

I am going to see Tony Robbins!!!!

In mid March I am going to spend 4 days at the Unleash the Power Within Conference/ workshop in New Jersey!

ANTHONY ROBBINS LIVE - New York Area : March 2009 Experience four of the most empowering, educational and entertaining days of your life. Learn how Unleash the Power Within will teach you to not only achieve your ultimate goals but create an extraordinary quality of life.

I cannot wait!! There will be around 2000 people. My friend did this and found it to be extremely empowering. I am working at building empowerment within and think this will be a push I can use. Check it out for yourself.... www.tonyrobbins.com

My favorite cleanse

I have done a cleanse before it was wonderful!!! I put my husband and older daughters on it and they experienced great results. My 14 yr old used to suffer from terrible allergies and asthma but after her cleanse her allergies are cut back by at least 85% and her asthma is completely cured!!!

This is my all time favorite cleanse. Everyone I have ever suggested take it raves about it as well. If you think you have done a colon cleanse but it was not that great...do yourself a favor and try this one.... www.cleansethatcolon.com

Getting all CLEAN inside

I just started this cleanse....

Organic Total Body Cleanse™
Organic ingredients, Vegetarian formula, Soy-free, gluten-free , 3-part formula
Organic Total Body Cleanse™ is a 14-day, 3-part organic internal cleansing program. Organic Total Body Cleanse blends only organic herbs and fiber to offer you a wholesome and effective cleanse with no extra ingredients to add stress to your body‡.

You can get it online here...

www.renewlife.com

I got it at my local health food store...

Mother Earth Natural Foods(315) 789-2714
440 Exchange St, Geneva, NY 14456

I will let ya know how this one goes.

The Big Plan!

My husband, Jody, and I have made a big plan....

This June he and I will mount our bikes, and looking much like this couple above, will head out from our home in New York and ride for 14 days (360 miles) to my friends house in Rhode Island. We are planning on doing about 40 miles each day and having a few days to rest in between. We'll be camping along the way. Jody has always wanted to do this in Europe. I have always wanted to do it in general. The other day I got to thinking thaat life is too darn short to wait for Europe so off we go!!!

Me today

Here I am today. This is January 31, 2009. I have been a vegetarian for 10 weeks and working out pretty darn regularly for 8 weeks. I feel great and am much stronger.

I am so happy to be a veg head. I am going through what I think is a stage of 'ick' ! Every form of meat is just disgusting to me!!! I have given up fish and shrimp now too. All I can say is 'ick'!

A couple of vegetarians I know went though this same thing. I am working out most every day and everything is getting much easier.

Rebounding Jan 30

Well here I am on Jan 30. Still rebounding!

Jeans

Here are my jeans today. The bigger pair I bought to go on a trip to RI in mid Oct.

The smaller jeans are a pair I am wearing now.

Check out the incredible shrinking bootay!

Never Eat...

Never Eat......

High Fructose Corn Syrup

Hydrogenated Oils

Mono sodium Glutamate -MSG

Aspartame

Palm Oil

Natural &/or Artificial Flavors

Make shopping easy by printing this list and keeping it in your wallet. When you first try to groceries without these 'things' in them you may quickly feel discouraged. Hang in there. All of the basic staples have a healthy option- you just have to read. Soon you will know which brands are safe and which have poison in them. When you feel stuck....go to the organic section of your grocery store. Whenever possible by organic!