Well, I have gone back and forth about posting this but have decided that I know at least 6 woman in my circle who were sexually molested/ assaulted as young people. Studies say that 1 in 3 girls are molested before age 18. Its sadly common and I think the overall feeling left for the woman is shame so it is kept quite secret. I have decided to post my experiences for the world to see because...I have healed myself. Yes. And- if I can do it, I know you can too!
First I should tell you what was broken. Well, I have always had 'man issues'. I have been disgusted with boys, teen boys and men my entire adult life (and before I suppose). Now, I have managed to marry two men. One was a terrible husband and the other is wonderful....
a keeper ;) I have helped raise 3 step sons. I don't think they are gross. I have an adorable nephew whom I love. Its more the concept of men and boys....not so much the individual. Certain groups of men- farmers actually- have always been safe for me (these men represent my safe men...my uncles and grandfather) but every other group of men I have seen as a threat. I've always felt sexually assessed/ visually molested.
The why is easy...Just a quick run down......
At 3 mo I was beaten purple by my father (certainly, I only know this as a story but it is undeniable that an attack of enraged male energy coming at you as an infant will have a lasting impression on the 'gut' feeling about men)
At 6 I was molested by an old guy who was the neighbor of my grandparents.
At 8 my friends father french kissed me and showed me porn.
From 8-12 yrs my step brother molested me while I slept.
At 18 my (loved and trusted) step father performed lurid acts in front of me and while watching me dress.
Then to top it off my 1st boyfriend turned out to be married and my 1st husband cheated just relentlessly, fathering at least one child outside of the marriage to boot.
Ok- so that's reason enough. Could be yet another reason why I am a compulsive eater! Geesh! Ya think ????
So- up till recently I thought I was way past all that stuff. I have always heard "some times you just have to get over things". I thought I had on this one. Not so much. I am not really clear what set it all off but about a month ago I was talking to my best friend about 'men'. Then just in the moment I realised that this stuff was actually still effecting my current life! There is a good book title..."Feelings buried alive, never die". I guess that's true. I had just been unconscious about it.
So- what did I do?
I talked to my best friend about what had happened and how it all REALLY made me feel both then and now. I yelled and swore. Her listening was an enormous gift. I have only met 3 people ever who could handle my rage and shes one of them. She listened and I ranted! That helped and then the next day I talked to my husband about it. Not so intense this time. I knew there were a few small words out there that would set my healing in motion so I begged him to give them to me........and he did! He pointed out that it was not MEN I hated....but unconscious male energy! That was the ticket. I don't hate men. I love men whom I can trust. I love my husband, brother, step sons, nephew, uncles. I have hated the unconscious acts/ behaviors these other men used me to act out. Yep. From there I started to meditate....and this is the real ticket I think.
How have I meditated?
Well I learned from a book actually. I lay on my bed and breathe. Full, deep breathes in and out 10 times. After that you kind of get a rhythm going and don't need to count any more. Then I say "Ya Baha'u'l-Abha" (which means... God is most glorious) several times. From there I have essentially said this in my mind....." I see God's light in all little boys" . This made me cry and cry. Then later when I was feeling better about boys I moved on....."I see God's light in all men and boys". THIS made me cry and cry. I did this for several days. Every other day though because it was sooooooo intense for me I was scared to do it and needed a break. Another day I moved on...."I forgive my step brother for his unconscious acts"....another day..." I forgive- etc etc" Periodically during meditation I'd say, "I will myself to be healed"
Then one day I was meditating and I felt no need to do anything about men any more.
I have since tested myself. My distrust is gone. I can be among strange men and feel nothing but kindness. I can since 'bad energy' from some men (just as I do with women) but this is pretty normal for me these days anyway. As for boys... when I think of teen boys I see them as sons. When I think of little boys or baby boys my heart just fills with love.
So- there ya go. I walked around unconcious for 38 yrs and then in just a few weeks of real work I healed myself ! So thats that story :) I think there is NO shame in having an ugly story. I think the shame comes from stuffing the story and allowing it to cause unhappiness in your world.- my 2 cents.
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