My nest is empty

I have been a parent since I was 21 yrs old. That's just shy of 18 yrs now. For the last 13 I have been mother/ step mother to 7 children. Things have shifted a lot over the last years and now its like this.....

A few years ago I had 7 children. It was all very loud and overwhelming most of the time but I did love the energy of the home. Then for years we had just 5. Just several months ago I still had 'just' 4 kids. Then in December my (bio) oldest left home to do service in California. She was 17 and now as I look at it, though I am so very proud of her, I was not ready to let her go. Then a month or so later my 19 yr old step son moved out. Hes been in my world since he was 6. Now my 16 yr old attends a school 40 min out of town so she is only home late in the evening and because shes a teen she spends every possible moment with her girl friends. And finally, just a month after that my baby hit puberty all at once.

All of these big changes took place over the last 3 months and all of the sudden I started falling apart. I have been soooo sad. Deeply sad.

Not depression sad but mourning sad :(

I feel lonely, bored, aimless. Its all rather awful feeling. I just spend a lot of time feeling the misery and crying. I have what is called "empty nest syndrome" I suppose. I feel all messed up. I feel like society says I should be happy to be 'done' with this phase of my life. Now I can head back to that career that's been waiting or travel or something. But, I don't see it that way at all. I didn't put my life on hold to raise my kids. Raising my kids, creating a home was/is my life.

I look back and try to figure out if my own mother went through this and I think I do remember it. I was about 13 and my step bro 12. We went to my grandmothers house and my mother tried to talk to her about it. My grandmother brushed her off and said "you just have empty nest- you'll get over it". I remember feeling hurt for her there in the kitchen. My grandmother had no mother and limited support so I suppose that was the best she could do....but it stunk.

So- I feel embarrassed because I feel like I am SUPPOSED to be excited to be done or happy to 'have my life back'. I think that many women look at other women and judge them for not wanting more than their children and husbands, homes and hobbies. I know I have received that judgement.

I am not sure were I am headed now. Just having Faith that it will all become apparent soon.