Projection

I was recently talking to some moms about projection and/or intergenerational transmission.

In other words....the baggage we carry thanks to our dear mothers....the baggage our children carry thanks to us!

The age of eight was a big one for me. When my daughters were eight I began to struggle with a desire to pull away. When this happened with my first daughter I was loud and angry about it. With the 2nd daughter, I was starting to see it as a pattern and was calmer but still felt very compelled to create distance. When it happened the 3 rd time I clearly saw it as a pattern and went out of my way to avoid doing it. This pattern made me reflect and ask myself....

What happened when I was eight???
I remember the summer I was eight. Up until that summer I was a free and happy child. I ran around at home with my step brother (age 7) shirtless. I was happy. Then several things happened. First, my mother informed me that I was not to go shirtless anymore. That made me sad. It made me feel like there was something shameful about me and I had to cover up. (now I understand that maybe I was beginning to develop but that was not explained to me) I just felt like I did something wrong. Then my mother stopped hugging me all together. I am not sure why that is. And finally, one evening in the tub, my mother was bathing me and she pointed out my chubby roles on my belt and told me she'd pay me $1 for every one I lost. That just flat out messed me up! That was the moment that made this blog possible. Really. Shortly after that I was punching myself in the face, in the mirror, screaming "I hate you"- "I wish you would die". Not cool. So reflecting on this...and knowing that my mother was doing the best she could with what she had I have to say.....

What happened to my mother when she was eight???

Well I don't really know exactly what happened to her. I have heard stories. There are stories from about that age where my mother and her brother were hiding the belt so they wouldn't be beaten with it. I know there were times when my grandmother proclaimed that she wished my mother had never been born. I know my grandmother made statements like "you kids ruined my life". I know that it was at that time that my mother felt very second best to her younger brother. I don't know if she felt close to her mother and then pushed away. I am just not sure but I do have a vague impression that that was tough time for my mother.

So- of course that leads me to ask what happened to my grandmother when she was eight???

Well, I know of one story only and that story changes depending on the telling. But, when my grandmother was eight....her mother killed herself. That was the ultimate grand rejection by a mother. This left my grandmother, an only child alone with her father, who died not long after.

I have NO idea what was happening for my great-grandmother at that time. What lead her to kill herself. Did she loose a baby?, was she in a dangerous marriage?, was she simply very depressed? I have no idea. Regardless, that particular act really impacted a lot of people.

On a pleasant note....because I have made an effort to encourage my daughters to work through this garbage I have real faith that they will do better than I have. I am happy for my potential grand-children. They are gonna have great moms ;)