Happiness

Happiness.

We are all striving to be happy.

I think that many people are confused about what that is exactly. I know so many people who have unfulfilling jobs they go to all day long. They are not making any kind of contribution, they don't feel significant, they are just getting through for the pay check at the end of the week. Then, they come home each night to watch their 'shows'. Hours and hours and hours are spent watching television. Shows based in murder, cheating, cruelty, human suffering or mindless behavior . Then of course there are the commercials convincing them that they are not enough and they don't have enough. They only see their children for 3 hrs each night. That time is all about an instant dinner, home work, bath, bed. Then back to the job. All this is in the name of surviving till the weekend. Finally, its the weekend. You can have a weekend at home... mow, clean, grocery shop..TV? Then they they are happy....its time to go to the casino, or the bar - Lets go to the mall and mill around until we find the very thing we didn't know we couldn't live without.

I think they are confusing happiness with adrenalin. A quick rush of adrenalin and they think they are happy. They aren't because by Monday they are back to the grind and they are as miserable as always.

That's because happiness is not located outside of yourself. "True happiness is to be found within, in the state of our hearts. It does not exist on the far side of some distant mountains. It is within you, yourself. However much you try, you can never run away from yourself. And if you are weak, suffering will follow you wherever you go. You will never find happiness if you don't challenge your weaknesses and change yourself from within."

(quote from: http://www.ikedaquotes.org/what-is-happiness)

Happiness is is found within. It is said that 'ignorance is bliss'. It often seems this is true but really its not. You have to open your mind, over come your 'issues', find your purpose, embrace your reality then you'll find happiness.

Depression

Ok- I have been meaning to write about depression for ages.

I spent at least 11 straight years very depressed. Yes- I managed to go to college, have children, get married and divorced...have a life....but I was really depressed. There were years I spent drinking ( thankfully, I was always too poor to become an alcoholic because I could have for sure). I spent years cutting off my hair, compulsive eating (gaining 100++lbs), destroying my house in a rage, screaming, having anxiety attaches. I spent years in bed. I spent years on Prozac.

Fun topic.... :p ....not

Here's the thing...I am not that way any more. Nope. I have my ups and downs like everyone else but I haven't been depressed for years.

How come?

Well- and this may annoy some people- I got over it!

My most recent bowt of depression went on for two years following the death of my friend, Blake. One morning I decided to get up and tackle the day. That day turned into two and so on. I found that if I started my morning with a plan of action for that day I could get through it rather cheerfully. Projects became my "monkey bar" plan. For a long time I was 'addicted' to projects. I got a hell of a lot done. :) People just thought I was really, really productive. Actually, I was really scared to be without a distraction. Eventually, I started to eat healthy, walk and get outside on a regular basis. It all sounds simple and easy but it was a long process with many set backs.

Today, I don't "DO" depression anymore.

I found that it really is a choice to delve into depression and make it a part of yourself.

Depressed people speak in depressed language. "MY depression", "I HAVE to have my pills", "I cant", "I'll never", "I have an imbalance".

Well apparently 3 out of 4 people are imbalanced these days. That has to make ya think. There has to be more to it. A culture of sitting, TV, cruddy- processed- garbage food. A culture that encourages misery, lethargy and apathy.

When it comes down to it- we all have a choice to take life's inevitable pain and turn it into- and embrace- an option of suffering.

Two Paths

I recently heard it said that in life we are always on one of two paths....

EITHER- the path of LOVE or the path of FEAR.

Then there are only two fears...."I am not enough" and/or "I am not lovable".

This is interesting.

If you look at your own behaviors/ actions and the actions of others its VERY easy to see that most of the time we are just acting out of fear.

If we can learn to dance with the fear and live on that path of LOVE then we will stop suffering and struggling.

Projection

I was recently talking to some moms about projection and/or intergenerational transmission.

In other words....the baggage we carry thanks to our dear mothers....the baggage our children carry thanks to us!

The age of eight was a big one for me. When my daughters were eight I began to struggle with a desire to pull away. When this happened with my first daughter I was loud and angry about it. With the 2nd daughter, I was starting to see it as a pattern and was calmer but still felt very compelled to create distance. When it happened the 3 rd time I clearly saw it as a pattern and went out of my way to avoid doing it. This pattern made me reflect and ask myself....

What happened when I was eight???
I remember the summer I was eight. Up until that summer I was a free and happy child. I ran around at home with my step brother (age 7) shirtless. I was happy. Then several things happened. First, my mother informed me that I was not to go shirtless anymore. That made me sad. It made me feel like there was something shameful about me and I had to cover up. (now I understand that maybe I was beginning to develop but that was not explained to me) I just felt like I did something wrong. Then my mother stopped hugging me all together. I am not sure why that is. And finally, one evening in the tub, my mother was bathing me and she pointed out my chubby roles on my belt and told me she'd pay me $1 for every one I lost. That just flat out messed me up! That was the moment that made this blog possible. Really. Shortly after that I was punching myself in the face, in the mirror, screaming "I hate you"- "I wish you would die". Not cool. So reflecting on this...and knowing that my mother was doing the best she could with what she had I have to say.....

What happened to my mother when she was eight???

Well I don't really know exactly what happened to her. I have heard stories. There are stories from about that age where my mother and her brother were hiding the belt so they wouldn't be beaten with it. I know there were times when my grandmother proclaimed that she wished my mother had never been born. I know my grandmother made statements like "you kids ruined my life". I know that it was at that time that my mother felt very second best to her younger brother. I don't know if she felt close to her mother and then pushed away. I am just not sure but I do have a vague impression that that was tough time for my mother.

So- of course that leads me to ask what happened to my grandmother when she was eight???

Well, I know of one story only and that story changes depending on the telling. But, when my grandmother was eight....her mother killed herself. That was the ultimate grand rejection by a mother. This left my grandmother, an only child alone with her father, who died not long after.

I have NO idea what was happening for my great-grandmother at that time. What lead her to kill herself. Did she loose a baby?, was she in a dangerous marriage?, was she simply very depressed? I have no idea. Regardless, that particular act really impacted a lot of people.

On a pleasant note....because I have made an effort to encourage my daughters to work through this garbage I have real faith that they will do better than I have. I am happy for my potential grand-children. They are gonna have great moms ;)

Empty Nest Shame Game

So - I have been thinking a lot about the life phase of empty nest.

From what I have figured out this phase of life is normal and we all go through it eventually assuming we've had kids. But, at least from where I sit, people don't talk a lot about it.

Why is that? Well, it seems its just like most women's issues....

its judgable, blamable, shamable.

Isn't this just how it goes. Here's my take on that....

Women have been the brunt of male oppression since the beginning of time. I suppose that is because men were the strong and women the weak. Back then brute force was the greatest commodity. Regardless, the oppression of women has gone on in every culture since the beginning of human history. So- here in America...though of course there is still plenty of oppression to go around....for the most part women have a good shot at a peaceful life with equal rights. So now that (hopefully most) of us are not being brutally oppressed what do we do?....we women do it to ourselves and each other.

The stage of 'empty nest' is just another venue to judge and blame each other. We don't talk about this for a good reason...its a no win situation.

Its another way to point a finger at 'others'.

If you are pleased that your kids are grown and out of the house- if you are enjoying your freedom then you are a heartless, cold women who never really wanted kids to start with. "How awful you are". But- if you miss your kids- you are sad and wish for the buzz of family and the commitment of children then you never had a life of your own- you were living through your children- you were dependant on your man etc."What a looser you are".

You just cannot win.

This is not one bit different than all other women's issues. Women judge each other over EVERYTHING right from the start of parenthood. Cloth vs disposable diapers, breast feeding vs bottle, working mothers vs stay at home moms, public school vs home school.

These are just a few of the topics to torture each other over.

This doesn't make sense at all. We need to support each other. We need to hear each other. Allow each other to express our hurts, worries, pains and joys...with no shame.